December 28, 2018
Dad passed away on December 14. It's been exactly two weeks.
His death was very sudden. He entered the hospital on November 27 and his health escalated from there.
Cancer. Lymphoma. Pneumonia.
Myself and two of my sisters and a cousin were with him when he died. He couldn't breathe on his own anymore.
Today, his landlady told one of my sisters that we'd need to pay some additional money because Dad didn't give two months' notice for moving out.
Two months' notice. For moving out.
My Dad died. How do you give notice for that?!?
Today was hard. I went to a family gathering at my Mom and stepdad's home with my stepbrother and stepsister's families. It was a nice distraction. I left around 8 p.m. because the weather was supposed to take a turn for the worst.
On the road home, I cleaned my windshield with my windshield wipers and remembered something. This past summer, when I visited Dad at his trailer, he snuck in a jug of windshield wiper fluid in the backseat of my car. It struck me as an act of love: he wanted me to have it for when I needed it, to make sure I wasn't caught without. Because he loves me.
I cried all the way home. I've been crying off and on all day. It's been the worst day so far. Losing him was so surreal, so sudden. I was numb at the wake and at the funeral. That layer is starting to fade and the reality of it is my Dad isn't here anymore. I can't see him or call him. I've been calling his phone because it hasn't been deactivated yet and I can still listen to his voicemail message. It breaks my heart every single time but I want to hear him, over and over.
I'm not sleeping well. It's 1:13 a.m. and I cant sleep. I made this blog instead. I needed to express myself somewhere.
I'm furious and broken and miserable. I've never felt this terrible in my life and I want to be angry and find something I can break or find a reason to scream at someone because it's easier than looking inside of myself and letting myself feel the hurt.
I'll go try and sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.
His death was very sudden. He entered the hospital on November 27 and his health escalated from there.
Cancer. Lymphoma. Pneumonia.
Myself and two of my sisters and a cousin were with him when he died. He couldn't breathe on his own anymore.
Today, his landlady told one of my sisters that we'd need to pay some additional money because Dad didn't give two months' notice for moving out.
Two months' notice. For moving out.
My Dad died. How do you give notice for that?!?
Today was hard. I went to a family gathering at my Mom and stepdad's home with my stepbrother and stepsister's families. It was a nice distraction. I left around 8 p.m. because the weather was supposed to take a turn for the worst.
On the road home, I cleaned my windshield with my windshield wipers and remembered something. This past summer, when I visited Dad at his trailer, he snuck in a jug of windshield wiper fluid in the backseat of my car. It struck me as an act of love: he wanted me to have it for when I needed it, to make sure I wasn't caught without. Because he loves me.
I cried all the way home. I've been crying off and on all day. It's been the worst day so far. Losing him was so surreal, so sudden. I was numb at the wake and at the funeral. That layer is starting to fade and the reality of it is my Dad isn't here anymore. I can't see him or call him. I've been calling his phone because it hasn't been deactivated yet and I can still listen to his voicemail message. It breaks my heart every single time but I want to hear him, over and over.
I'm not sleeping well. It's 1:13 a.m. and I cant sleep. I made this blog instead. I needed to express myself somewhere.
I'm furious and broken and miserable. I've never felt this terrible in my life and I want to be angry and find something I can break or find a reason to scream at someone because it's easier than looking inside of myself and letting myself feel the hurt.
I'll go try and sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.
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