My Grief Journal

Hey, Dad. It's a bit late but I finally made it to 40. It was a weird day. I went to bed sad at the end of it and decided I don't want to look the same for my 41st. I need to make changes. Picking up the pieces is hard though. I don't know if I'm lazy, in denial, or what's happening.  I wish I knew what you'd think of the Covid-19 situation though. I know you'd wear a mask but there's a sister of mine we might laugh over. You know how it goes. I miss you, Daddy. I don't know what I want to do with myself anymore. I have a vague idea but I can't seem to commit or motivate myself to it. July was a pretty shitty month. Dating is depressing. No one seems interesting after a few conversations. I can't hold it up on my own, you know? People don't seem to get that. I'm having trouble sleeping again, lately. I hope that doesn't last much longer. It sucks. Anyway, I'll go try to get some sleep. Love you, Dad. xoxo Chrissy

Dear Dad, I'm going to use this as a reflective journal from now on. I want to heal and this is apparently part of a self-care plan. I miss you every day. Things have been hard and I miss being able to call you for a good laugh. I'm still so angry that we lost you the way we did. I'm glad I was there to hold your hand at the end. I love you so much. I'm still going to therapy, sort of. Bad weather and jostled scheduling makes it so I've only been able to attend one group therapy session so far. I'm still not sure if I like it. I think I prefer one on one sessions but my therapist wants me to be more social. I hate it. I'm back on my meds again. Starting them up is never fun, but what can you do? It's after midnight, so now it's March 10. Dad, I wish I could see you. I have pictures and some videos but it'll never be enough. You're always in my heart and I want to make you proud but it's hard to stop hurting and move past the pain. I'm...

Dear Dad, I had a realization in therapy today. I never really realized it until now. I told my therapist that whenever I used to feel sad, I knew that you could make me laugh so I would call you. Not having that available to me anymore has been such a hardship. I can't believe how much I need it. I miss you so much, Dad. But things are slowly getting better. Therapy is helping. Meds are starting to help again. I hope it continues that way. It's been hard but things will get better. I need to hold onto that thought. Love always, Chrissy

Dear Dad, I know I haven't written in a while. It feels like I'm still trying to figure stuff out. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I have no real goals and no savings. It sucks. We said goodbye to you a few weeks ago. I'm sure you were with us in Restoule, where we put you to rest. It's hard to believe all of you was that bag of powder. It felt so surreal. I'm still feeling numb over it. I've finally got a family doctor, Daddykins. I hope things start getting better. I'm tired of living with this sadness. It's awful. Randy is going to have your truck. I'm a bit sad about this but I can't do much about it. I still have a lot of your things though and it feels good knowing they were yours. I just wish that it I could have you back instead. I just watched a documentary I think you might have enjoyed, about the last czar of Russia. I wish we could talk about it. I miss your voice, Daddykins. Your jokes and your laugh. Your fun...

Dear Dad, It's my first Father's Day without you and I don't know what to feel. I wish I could give you a call and tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am that I wasn't there for you more often. I carry so much guilt where you're concerned. I should have done so much more with you. I should be calling you today and laughing over stuff and making fun of things. I wish I'd done more and I can't stand it. I love you so much, Daddykins. I wish I felt less fear about life and had seen you more often. I'm so sorry. Love always, Chrissy

Dear Dad, I hope what I did today is going to help. Medical leave might give me the time to strengthen myself up again. I just want to be able to do stuff again without it being a struggle. I hurt everywhere. I don't know why, but it sucks. My arms ache, my neck hurts, my legs too. I just don't want to be in pain anymore. I really hope counseling gets me results. I've put it off too long. I talked a long time with my Mario tonight. He's such a funny guy. I miss him a lot but talking to him felt good. He's going to Europe for a few weeks and I hope he really enjoys himself! I need to sleep now. Today was rough and I'm exhausted. I'm going to try to keep my sleep schedule even though. Goodnight, Daddy. I love you so much and I miss you. ~Chrissy