My Grief Journal

I made it to midnight but it breaks my heart that I'm not able to call Dad and wish him Happy New Year. His phone service has been disconnected so I can't call and listen to his voicemail message anymore. It sucks. I want to include something in this post. I wrote a eulogy for Dad's funeral and I wanted to include it here so it doesn't get buried in my Google Docs. Whenever I considered losing a parent, it was a thought I would always push aside, telling myself it's too soon to think about such things, that there was still plenty of time. Inviting the mere idea of losing one of my parents felt like I was jinxing them. I was not prepared to lose my Dad. The concept of not being able to give him a call or send him a message is one that hasn't fully sunk in. I open my eyes in the morning and the disbelief is there. As before, I push those thoughts aside and replace them instead with memories of Dad when we were happy. The summer of 2011 instantly comes to min...

Yesterday was better. Today had a few hiccups. A friend of mine from my video games has been a bit grouchy and pissy over my decisions on how I spend my time lately. Truth be told, I've isolated myself slightly from my usual friends because my moods have been so mercurial, I don't want to expose them to my temper or my crying fits or anything like that. When I need to, I reach out. This friend and I are very close and I realize he wants us to do things together but I just don't want to be social lately. He admits to making "half-joking" remarks about avoiding doing things with him and I kind of lost it. I don't like feeling guilted into spending time with someone and while he might not realize it, that's exactly how he makes me feel. It's beginning to feel a bit too high maintenance and I'm not certain how to handle it. On a totally different note, a close family member who believes herself to be sensitive in some ways says that Dad is trying t...

Dad passed away on December 14. It's been exactly two weeks. His death was very sudden. He entered the hospital on November 27 and his health escalated from there. Cancer. Lymphoma. Pneumonia. Myself and two of my sisters and a cousin were with him when he died. He couldn't breathe on his own anymore. Today, his landlady told one of my sisters that we'd need to pay some additional money because Dad didn't give two months' notice for moving out. Two months' notice. For moving out. My Dad died.  How do you give notice for that?!? Today was hard. I went to a family gathering at my Mom and stepdad's home with my stepbrother and stepsister's families. It was a nice distraction. I left around 8 p.m. because the weather was supposed to take a turn for the worst. On the road home, I cleaned my windshield with my windshield wipers and remembered something. This past summer, when I visited Dad at his trailer, he snuck in a jug of windshield wiper f...